Rick Santorum “The Earth is Flat”

“Hello. Hello! Welcome boys and girls to your first day of school, and now in your last year of high school! Aren’t we growing up fast? Okay, before you all take your seats, I have a pre-arranged seating assignment. To make this go more smoothly, would all the girls move to the back of the room, please. And guys, you stay up front here with me. And you may call me “Mr. Frothy.” (“Frothy” beats chest with fists ala Tarzan-style).

“Alrighty, then. Now that we have all taken our seats, I am going to briefly cover the topics we will study in depth throughout this semester.

“First, which I will teach you today, is that the word “black” has been mispronounced for centuries. The actual pronunciation is “blah.” Now, everyone repeat after me… blah… blah… blah. (“Scrotorum” overly exaggerates his mouth movements when saying “blah” thus spitting and drooling all over the front row).

“We will study basic canine care. The reason we are going to cover this topic is because of homosexuality. As you know, homosexuality leads to beastiality. So, after we have thoroughly studied the primarily care of dogs, you will then know how to best care for man’s best friend after they have been violated by the devil’s spawn.

“We will also study, in depth, the in’s and out’s of The Department of Homeland Security. The DHS was not put into action to protect our homelands from terrorists. Oh, no. It was created to protect our country from Satan! After all, Satan has his sights on the United States of America! (“Holy Sphincter” makes a cross-symbol in the air with his fingers).

“Another indepth study will be over the letter “B.” (“Holy Vomitorium” lightly chuckles to himself). I will be properly educating you on what the Birds and the Bees are truly about, as well as Birth control. What you have seen, read, heard, and been taught before now is completely Satan’s work. Remember, Satan has his sights on the US, and he hides in the form of Planned Parenthood. (In a louder voice…) Ladies? Can you hear me in the back of the room okay? Good. Because this topic will be very important for you… NO BIRTH CONTROL! You will be drug tested for any traces of birth control as well as checked out with a transvaginal wand for any IUD’s. (“Sanatorium” makes a forward-thrusting movement with his fist).

“Opposites. I will teach you all about opposites. The opposite of left is right. And the opposite of man is woman. Men have rights, but women do not. After you graduate high school this spring, you will have learned that it is best for you not continue to college for several reasons – and this goes for you guys, too. First off, college is for snobs, and you would not want to be called a snob on Facebook now, would you? Girls, your place is in the home… barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. And when you become pregnant, remember, it is a gift from God… even if you are violently attacked in a dark alley and knocked up by your long-lost HIV-infected brother. Abortion is never an option. That is why Wade versus Roe has been removed from all history books. (“Holy RickRoller” thrusts his pelvis forward several times).

“And lastly, we will discuss our earth and environment. (“PrayStationToo’s” voice increasingly gets louder as he continues on). Everything you have heard about Global Climate Change is nothing but a hoax from the tree-huggers. Man is superior and this planet was put here for us! EARTH…SERVES…MAN! (“Rapture Rick” pulls out his bible and proceeds to wave it over the students heads as he walks up and down the aisles). The waste product that the factories produce is easily cleansed by nature. Rain washes away and purifies the toxic waste. Landfills turn into rich soil. Fossil fuels were created just for man’s use alone! Man rules the earth and THE EARTH KNOWS THIS!! (“Richard Cranium” over-dramatically raises his hands high above his head and looks up at the ceiling. He quickly stops, now quiet, lowering his arms, looks back at the classroom and quickly adds…)

“And by the way… forget all you have been told about the Earth being round.

“The Earth is flat.”

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14 replies »

  1. Very well written and amusing satire Michelle – but dangerously close to the truth for this far right wing religious fanatic. I’m beginning to think that with his obsession with Satan, that Santorum would fit right in, if he was time traveled back to the Middle Ages. The good news is that Santorum lost Michigan and Arizona tonight. The bad news is that Romney won Michigan and Arizona tonight…Sigh!

    • LOL! I love your good and bad news. So horribly pathetically true. I listen to talk radio going to and from work now, and granted, it’s a pro-democratic and liberal station… and the candidacy – especially Santorum – is the laughing stock of our country. This is really going to be an embarrassing chapter to add into our history books.

  2. You forgot to mention that, thanks to Rick Sanitarium, the pope reverses the ruling from the 1800s that the earth the circle the sun, and returns to the Ptolemaic notion that the planets and sun revolve around the earth. The “New Astronomy” is included along with “Creation Science” in the one year curriculum.

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