Quotes by George Carlin
George Carlin – may he rest in peace – possessed a unique way of making fun of the stupidity of mankind by combining wisdom with humor. Very blunt and straight to the point, Carlin’s combination of extraordinary intelligence AND common sense had a way of waking up even the most slumbering mind. Although Carlin may be gone in physical presence, his memory lives on.
Some of his better quotes and words of wisdom (like he had any that were bad?):
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
(Me: EVERY single time I drive, this is very true.)
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
(Me: He’s got a point there…)
• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
• I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
(Me: Okay, now how many of you thought to yourself, “Yup, that’s true.” Go ahead… raise you hand. Wow! That many? I’m right there beside you.)
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Religion is just mind control.
• The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
• I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
• If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
• Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
• The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
• “No comment” is a comment.