This is a rarity for me… writing a post entirely about myself. I may throw in bits and pieces from time to time, but other than my “About” page, I’ve never written only about me.

For those who I have become WordPress buddies with, you have been along side of me through the past few months with my up’s and down’s of having recently been diagnosed by a neurologist as having MS. Well, today I FINALLY went to see an MS Specialist and she says I do not have Multiple Sclerosis. There are several reasons why, but primarily, the white spots showing in my brain scan are not in the normal area where the lesions occur. Then adding in the fact that my spinal tap (lumbar puncture) was inconclusive, and my ophthalmologist exam showed no signs of MS in my eyes, I appears that I just do not have MS.

At first, I cried. Don’t get me wrong – I do not want to have MS, nor any disease for that matter. But I have felt horrible since January of 2011 and have been going downhill for the past several months. I want an explanation – which she (the doctor) could not give me at this time. Not a definite explanation anyway. The doctor does still need to see the brain scan from August 2011 to compare against the scan I just had in February 2012. But I do not expect her to see much, if any, difference.

So, why have I been so horribly fatigued? Depressed? Dizzy? Weakness and severe pain in my legs?

Possibly a stroke combined with a spinal cord injury. She felt fairly confident that I may have had a slight stroke – and yes, I did receive a lecture about smoking. And she did see and confirm I have a rather significant weakness in my legs and a lot of pain – therefore possibly spinal cord injury, herniated disc, etc.

So, MRI of the neck scheduled for May.

Why the fatigue and depression, especially starting up practically overnight in January of 2011? I have never experienced one day of depression in my life. Sorrow, yes. Sadness, yes. Depression, no. To be perfectly honest, it could very well be my job. I despise a lot of it. I do enjoy the computer work, but cannot stand the customer service end of my job. Without going into too much detail, the company I have worked at for three years now is a combination of reservations for large sporting tournaments throughout the country and some internationally. Each event has to have a new event site built in our system, and that is the part I enjoy. Plus the system maintenance. But having to put up with the hospitality end is not my cup of tea. I was raised in a much different world – I was raised to appreciate everything. Now, everyone expects Four-star hotels, all inclusive, for $50/night. Ummmmm… no. And every parent thinks their daughter or son is the next up-and-coming athlete which will make millions of dollars, so they must be pampered and have everything just so.

Plus my boss is a capitalistic, micro-managing workaholic, and expects everyone else to be as well. After two years of working 60 to 80 hours/week, I’m pretty sure in January, 2011, I subconsciously decided I was done with the long hours and stress. Thus the fatigue which brought on depression.

So what do I do now? I’m not sure. I am still mulling this over and will not make any decisions until after my next scan in May. But it looks like I really need to make a career change in order to keep my health.

If I do have a spinal injury or herniated disc, no way am I going under a knife. I’ve heard too many horror stories about that.

But at least I do not have MS. Now that this news has settled in, I feel better now. Even though there is no clear explanation as to how I’m feeling, I no longer feel tied to this job purely for insurance reasons. I’m beginning to feel the relief now. I really need to focus more on my graphics and websites and start getting some contract work in so I can move on out of this job. It’s destroying me.

Thank you all who has been by my side and supporting me. Especially those women whom I have met online who do have MS – your kindness and sympathy means the world to me – I just wish I could do the same to you that the specialist did for me today.

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