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Mittens “Scissorhands” Romney Identity Revealed

BREAKING NEWS: Mitt Romney cracks. Dons an Edward Scissorhands persona.

It appears as though the pressure is too much for Romney. A shocking story swept through the news revealing how Romney was a bully in high school and chopped off another student’s hair. Phillip Maxwell, who is now an attorney and still considers Romney an old friend, witnessed Romney hold the scissors to cut the hair of a student who was being physically pinned to the ground by several others. Maxwell continued to describe the incident which he witnessed with his own eyes (like he’s going to witness it with someone else’s eyes?), “It was a hack job … clumps of hair taken off.” The victim was a student who displayed effeminate actions and Romney thought the student was gay.

After hearing President Obama announce that he supports gay marriage, Mitt Romney lost it. One of Romney’s servants, who we will call “Ms. M” to protect her anonymity, states that Mitt went up into that attic and proceeded to desperately start searching for something. Ms. M had no idea what it was Romney was looking for. She described what she heard, “I ain’t got no idea what he wuz lookin’ fer, but it sounded like World War III had just gone up and started in that thar ol’ attic. I heared boxes flying, some glass a-breakin’, and them thar ol’ trunks theyz a-storin’ stuff in wuz drug acrost the floor. Then all of a sudden it got real quiet-like. I swear in Joseph Smith’s good name ya coulda heared a mouse fart. So I’z started creepin’ up to the attic stairs to make sur Mista Romney wuz okay when all of a sudden-like, he went tearin’ by me so fast I spun around like a top before I crashed into the ten-foot portrait paintin’ Mista Romney had dun of hisself. Praise be I didunt damage hiz portrait.”

“Strangest thing though… when he went on by me like a fox bein’ chased by tha hounds, I saw sumpthin all shiny and long protrudin’ from both hands. If I didn’t know any better, I’da say he had scissors stickin’ out from both hiz hands.”

At which point, Romney went into his front yard and proceeded to sculpt topiary art works out of his existing shrubbery at lightning speed. It was at this point that whatever Romney had been desperately searching for in the attic revealed itself. Mitt Romney looked like a perfect replica of Edward Scissorhands all that way down to the mechanical scissors he was using as if they were his own hands and fingers.

Here is a photo of Mitt Romney’s front yard displaying all the topiary figures he carved in a matter of minutes.

It has now come to light that the high school hair cut incident may just be the beginnings of such action. Romney might actually be the perpetrator behind the “Amish beard cutting” incident. One eye-witness of the beard-cutting incident testified that she had seen a figure disappearing into the shadows which looked an “awful lot like that there Scissorhands character.” Originally her testimony was thought to have been under the influence of sour milk, but it appears that Mitt may be the Amish Beard Cutter.

Have we discovered Mitt Romney’s alter-ego?

After Mitt finished creating some of the finest topiaries to ever grace the lawns within Mitt’s neighborhood, Romney started skipping down the street and has now disappeared.

Witnesses report hearing Romney muttering, “…flip-flop…hippity-hop-hop…etch-a-sketch…Seamus fetch…”

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