Breaking News: Paul Ryan Killed Bin Laden
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a dramatic narrative that could upstage this week’s Democratic National Convention, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) gave reporters today a detailed account of the fateful day he killed Osama bin Laden.
Mr. Ryan said that he was revealing his role as the triggerman who felled the al-Qaeda leader to “set the record straight,” explaining that he had remained silent about his mission until now, because “I don’t like to brag.”
The Republican Vice-Presidential nominee painted a portrait of a Paul Ryan few know, a man who trained for missions with SEAL Team Six while somehow finding time to cut key provisions of Medicare.
For the rest of the report, please click here to go to the Borowitz Report, “RYAN GIVES DETAILED ACCOUNT OF DAY HE KILLED BIN LADEN.” It goes on to briefly tell about his call for deployment, Ryan’s “face-to-face” contact with Bin Laden himself. And it ends with Paul Ryan hinting he was involved with the take down of another infamous leader.
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(Illustration by Tom Bachtell)