Recently a human has discovered a long hidden set of rules passed on from one cat to the next. This rare discovery answers the frequently asked question, “Why did my cat do that?” Now for the first time ever, the “cat’s rules” are now published and available for all human use. Study and learn the ways of the house cat. The mysteries of their behavior will all start to make sense.
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CAT RULES
Bathrooms
Always accompany guests to their bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. They appreciate the company.
Doors
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws or dig in deep with claws if you still have yours. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Having the security of being in your doorway plus the fresh air from the open door help you think more clearly.
Chairs and Rugs
If you have to throw up, get to the chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is a long as a human’s bare foot. This will help them find it more quickly.
Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.”
Following are the rules for “hampering”:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4. For humans paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged by your human, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on: stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
Bedtime
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move. This way they will not fall out of the bed and hurt themselves.
Litter Box
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. It reminds them of the beach.
Hiding
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
One Last Thought
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face. Then turn around and present your butt to them. They love this so make sure to do it often. Oh, and especially do not forget their guests.
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