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The “Rules of a Cat” plus Cat Animated Gifs

Recently a human has discovered a long hidden set of rules passed on from one cat to the next. This rare discovery answers the frequently asked question, “Why did my cat do that?” Now for the first time ever, the “cat’s rules” are now published and available for all human use. Study and learn the ways of the house cat. The mysteries of their behavior will all start to make sense.

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CAT RULES

Bathrooms

Always accompany guests to their bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. They appreciate the company.

Doors

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws or dig in deep with claws if you still have yours. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.

After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Having the security of being in your doorway plus the fresh air from the open door help you think more clearly.

Chairs and Rugs

If you have to throw up, get to the chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is a long as a human’s bare foot. This will help them find it more quickly.

Hampering

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.”

Following are the rules for “hampering”:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4. For humans paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged by your human, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

Walking

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on: stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move. This way they will not fall out of the bed and hurt themselves.

Litter Box

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. It reminds them of the beach.

Hiding

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

One Last Thought

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face. Then turn around and present your butt to them. They love this so make sure to do it often. Oh, and especially do not forget their guests.

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13 Comments »

  1. Fun post and however humorous, I have witnessed almost every example of cat behavior here, with my own kitties. Plus a couple more not included, like my cat taking a flying leap into my newspaper while I was holding it up to read it while sitting in my easy chair. Total surprise attack, since with the newspaper held up in front of my face, I could never see that “kitty missile” coming.

    Or when I opened the door to let my cat out, and it was raining, snowing hard, or even just very windy, kitty would arch his back, look up at me straight in the eye, and give me a wide open mouthed fangs exposed angry HISS!!! because he blamed ME for the bad weather!

    And then he expected me to CHANGE the weather to weather that he liked, so he’d wait half an hour and then let me know that he was giving me a second chance, when he wanted to go out the door again. But since I couldn’t live up to Master Kitty’s lofty expectations, and the bad weather was still bad, I’d get another great big “F YOU!!!” in loud and angry hissing kitty language.

    Finally one day, I’d had enough! So I ate him…

    Kidding!!! Lol 😀

    Loved all those funny kitty animations too! 🙂

    • One of the cats here does that door thing. Stand right between the door where the door closes into the doorway. The backsteps once. Then stands. One step forward. Stop. That’s when I use my big ol’ foot to give it a push from the rear.

      • Good technique Michelle! Direct and to the point. Lol 🙂

        One of my uncles gave me my first puppy when I was only 5 years old, so I got a very early start with my life long love of dogs. But at first, I didn’t really like cats very much. Until I finally figured out that cats are nothing like dogs and it’s silly to expect cats to act like dogs. And then I was able to appreciate cats for being cats, and what amazing creatures they really are, and after that, I really liked cats, and enough to want to share my home with them.

        I’ll always be more of a dog person than a cat person, but I still really enjoy my kitties – even though they do drive me crazy at times. But they sure are very different from dogs, and here’s one example:

        If I were suddenly stricken with a heart attack, and fell down on the floor clutching my chest, my dog would get very upset, whine and bark a lot, and if there was a door open, he might even run outside barking a lot to try and get other people’s attention to come and help me.

        But my cat? As I lay there on the floor writhing from the severe pain of my heart muscles contracting… My cat would settle down and make himself comfortable, so he could watch me… as what might be my last thoughts were how he seemed to be thinking “It’s okay, because his wife will still feed me, and this is easily the most fascinating thing I’ve seen all day. Even better than my baby bird massacre earlier this morning, or when I bit the head off that mouse. I can do that sort of thing all the time, but now this is really something different, and totally fascinating! I wonder how long it will take before it’s over? Hopefully not too soon… because that would be annoying! Hang in there as long as you can, human, cause this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen you do, so please keep it going!”

        • Many of them also have agents too, and I know this is true, cause many times when the phone rings in the kitchen, my cat jumps down off the top of the sofa and runs into the kitchen, as though it’s that very important call he’s been waiting for. (this is absolutely true, and no joke! even though very funny!)

          I think that little sucker is making lots of money and not telling me about it, cause he thinks I might expect him to start paying rent! (not really true – lol)

  2. Considering what horrible shape our country, no – our planet is in, posts like this are a blessing, My doctor told me Tuesday that I’m killing myself with worry, Little things like this provide a wonderful break and even put me back on an ‘even keel’ if only for just a little while.

    Thanks,

  3. What a pleasing post to watch after a mind-numbing presidential election. If I drank I would sip some breakfast tequila while watching the cats do what they do best. Phillip

  4. I don’t think that “bird” in the cat-catching-flying-bird_animated_gif is a bird. That’s a bat. Just thought I’d say that.

  5. oh gawd…this is so true…very funny – but all SO true. as a lifelong cat lover, and butler, to many of these marvelous creatures this touched me where i live. this old adage “dogs have owners, cats have staff” is true. great piece Michelle. continue…

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