As I am sure most people realize, how the law treats someone who has been caught masturbating in public varies greatly depending upon what country they are in. So what are the penis penal codes globally? 

SWEDEN – s’all good

Definitely more lax in Stockholm where a 65-year-old man was caught choking his chicken on a public beach. Initially he was charged with sexual assault, but the court ended up acquitting him stating that he “did not direct his activities toward a specific person.”

INDONESIA – Off with his head! I mean his big head….

According to the Russian site, Pravda (English version), the penalty for flogging your log is decapitation. However, an email correspondence between ABC and the secretary of information at the Indonesian embassy reveals that according to Article 281 of national law, the maximum sentence is 32 months’ imprisonment.

BRAZIL – Equal rights for womenWhen the topic of public masturbation comes up (pun intentional), most people assume it’s a man greasing his pipe, especially because it is so much easier for women to hide the fingered dance from the general public. But sometimes, the desire is so great, secrecy is not an option. When 36-year-old Ana Catarian Bezerra was caught tickling the bearded clam at work, she wasn’t get fired. In fact, Ana took her employers to court and won the right not only to masturbate during working hours, but also to watch porn on her work computer.

Ana claims that due to a rare chemical imbalance, she needs to polish her pearl up to 47 times per day! Therefore, the judges ruled that Ana was legally entitled to a 15-minute break every two hours in which she could ‘relieve’ herself.

ISLAM LAWS – 300 lashes with a wet noodle

Actually, I have found a few different courses of action for taking care of one’s own business. In one instance, a teacher declared that personal pleasure is permissible under Islam law, but the general court didn’t agree. The teacher was sentenced 3 years and 300 lashes.

Additionally, I found a Q&A Islam site, and a young woman wrote in to ask what her punishment should be for breaking her hymen due to masturbating. The reply back is vague to me since I do not know anything about Islam, but it doesn’t sound near as bad as the teacher received:

“With regard to masturbation, the basic ruling is that it is haraam according to the majority of scholars, and the one who does it should be given a ta’zeer punishment, but it is not like zina. And Allaah knows best.”

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THE GOOD OL’ UNITED STATES VARIETY

Penalty for playing uno without a deck of cards varies from state to state.

In 2009, Alabama upheld the constitutionality of an Alabama statute prohibiting the sale of “any device designed … primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” The law was targeted primarily at the sale of such objects as vibrators and dildos.

A Charlotte, North Carolina, city code considers public masturbation to be a “Class 3 misdemeanor and a conviction will result in a criminal record for the entire world to see.” Okay, whatever. Prudes.

Then there is Texas. I really do wish they would secede. Just earlier this year, a new bill was passed which takes effect on January 1, 2014. This bill will “make many forms of male masturbation illegal. Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility.” Are you kidding me? I thought all this talk was sarcastic backlash from the pro-choice crowd fighting back against Texas pushing to make abortion illegal. Well, starting January 1st, better leave that tallywhacker alone while you’re in Texas. Looks like they should no longer be called the “Lone Star State.”

Wow! I’m truly shocked and amazed that we’ve gone backwards in time with the acceptance of masturbation. Oh, come on now (pun intended), everyone faps! Yes, some more than others, but it’s a perfectly natural act. And definitely the safest sex one can have. Illegal to masturbate? Seriously??? Sadly, yes.

(Face palm, shaking head)

Thanks to The Guardian for pulling together all these little tidbits of info about playing the solo version of tiddlywinks around the world.

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