Now that Michele Bachmann has admitted defeat in her run for the Republican Party Presidential Candidacy, she is now up for hire. Doing what? Well… glad you asked. But first, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence while listening to a farewell song especially for Michele…
Bachmann is now up for hire as a consultant. There are three packages available, the Standard Bachmann b.s. Package, the Deluxe Bachmann b.s. package, and the Coup de Grâce Bachmann b.s. Package!
Do you need to learn how to sling mud and proper finger-pointing etiquette? Michele is your woman. Are you guilty of bad business practices? Under Michele’s tutelage, you will learn how to quickly turn the tables of the errors of your ways and point your finger at a completely innocent party, thus absolving yourself from all blame. These two critical items are taught in all three packages.
Do you have a problem thinking for yourself? No worries when you purchase the Deluxe Package. This package includes the gift of script memorization. No need to ever have to think for yourself again. You may hire the best of the best to do your thinking for you, and through Michele’s patented Script Memorization Technique, you will be able to speak most eloquently, almost mesmerizing to those listening, and without giving away any clues that your IQ is equivalent to your shoe size.
The best results are, however, when you take advantage of Michele Bachmann’s Coup de Grâce Package, which combines script memorization with learning how to change the topic. Under Bachmann’s strict guidance, you will learn how to carefully evade answering a direct question posed to you… and in such a manner, the questioner will never realize that their original inquiry has never been addressed!
Michele is a true Rock Star in this area of consulting. Simply reference the Republican Primary Debates she attended for proof positive. Highlights available online at no charge.
All three packages are available for financing to anyone with a minimum credit score of 800, a minimum of $500,000 in investments, DTI ratio of 30%, and 50% or more equity in all properties currently owned. Credit cards are accepted with an additional processing fee of 20%. Cash up front, and under the table, is Michele’s preferred method of payment. No refund available as she guarantees to win!
SPECIAL OFFER! Available only for the next 48 hours, if you purchase the Coup de Grâce Bachmann b.s. Package and pay in full with cash, you will receive a lifetime supply of tea bags. But wait, there’s more! In addition to the tea bags is a miniature life-like Michele Bachmann marionette puppet – complete with strings attached. But wait again, there’s even MORE! Don’t let your Bachmann puppet sit all alone…. Only available for the next 24 hours is a miniature life-like Sarah Palin marionnette puppet, again, complete with strings at no charge! (additional shipping charges of $129 will apply)
TAX WRITE-OFF! Anyone who earns a minimum of $250,000 per year will be able to write Michele’s consulting fees off as tax loopholes are automatically included, free of charge.
Disclaimer: This article is complete satirical fiction-based humor – except for the fact that Bachmann did step down from running for the GOP Presidential Candidacy. If you believe that she is available as a consultant for hire, then also available just for you is a discounted round-trip ticket to Pluto for only 4,786,099 Doubloons.