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Australian Tourism: Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions

These questions were posted on an Australian tourism website in 2000, the year the summer Olympics were held in Sydney.  Reportedly, the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Snopes has more information about these questions and evolution to other countries.

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19 replies »

  1. Definite laugh of the day! Cracked up at the ‘Hippo Races’ running joke.
    An old website of mine received an ungodly number of emails as amazingly idiotic as those you’ve posted. I finally created a new page dedicated solely to the best of worst and printed my snarky replies.
    This did not deter other fools from continuing to fill the mailbox. BEST part of running the site. Sales were actually secondary to me vs.the personal amusement factor.

    Huzzah for the officials who crafted these replies!

    • People most certainly can be some of the best free entertainment around. It amazes me how poor some peoples geography is. I may not be able to tell you exactly which country is next to which, but I most certainly can tell you the continent and the general area on the continent. i.e. north, south….

      I live in New Mexico and it surprises me how many people think we’re actually a part of Mexico. When I was in Las Vegas once, was talking to some local woman and mentioned I was getting ready to go back home to New Mexico. She then proceeded to ask me about the water (of course) and if it was hard to get across the border these days. I just told her that I boil distilled water after I have filtered it, then add a dash of bleach. And getting across the border is easy when you bribe the border patrol.

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